Last night, Greg and I watched miracle on 34th Street. After it was over. He said it was one of the best movies he's ever seen. It was his last weekend in Florida. He was packing to move to his brother's house for hospice care.
I said I had a story to tell him. I told him my story of crying to God on the beach about losing both of my marriages. Even though I had given so much of myself and my life to establish those families. I was crying to God. Why why?
True to form, God answered me. He answered me with one word. Brian. That said it all. That healed me. That gave me a path to redemption.
I had to explain to Greg why one word, that one word, could heal me so instantly. Thank you. I explained that Brian was my high school sweetheart and I had heard him very bad. I was now getting hurt twice over in the same form. It was and example of cosmic Justice. I felt no need to say why. Why anymore. I felt welling and eager to absorb that pain that I had inflicted on someone else. In fact, I wanted to absorb it and still make it up to Brian. I searched Facebook and the internet for signs of how he was doing now. I had heard that he was obese and depressed for the rest of his life. I wanted to take care of him for the rest of his life. I wanted to make up for it. However, I could not find him on Facebook and the court records said that he was married. I could not make anything up to him. I could only pray.
So then I asked God for someone else to take care of. I wanted to take care of someone for the rest of their life. I wanted makeup for what I did to Brian. Soon after that, I met Greg. Soon after I met Greg, he got his terminal diagnosis. I was handed on a silver platter someone to take care of for the rest of his life.
Unfortunately, before he got his diagnosis, I got excited about marrying him. I got excited about being in a relationship with him. When caretaking started to creep in, he started to treat me as a caretaker instead of a mate. I didn't want to be a caretaker. I wanted to be a mate. I wanted to be a soulmate. I wanted to be a best friend. But he was treating me like a caretaker. I didn't want to be a caretaker in that relationship. After I told him that. I told his daughter that. I said anytime. Greg is on meds or incapacitated, we don't know each other. We don't have a relationship. We don't have a history. And then I am just a caretaker. Just a placeholder. I didn't want that. Greg and his family accepted that.
Then one day just a week ago. I realized that I could forgo a real relationship with Greg to be his caretaker and fulfill my request to God to be able to take care of someone for the rest of their life. In fact, this was a shorter assignment that I had even asked for or imagined. I went over to Greg's house to tell him I will be there with him for him 24/7 as he needed. But when I got there, he announced he had already made plans to move in with his brother. For 24/7 care. He would be gone in a week.
I told this whole story to Greg on the couch.. I said, isn't God funny? Greg said, he might be funny but this is not funny.
Once again, I had put my foot in my mouth. I lamented that I was a despicable person for sure thing about the very caretaking assignment I had asked for. I said no one is righteous, no not one.